help centre 🗿
welcome to support. I am the entire support team. I cannot move, type, refund, escalate, or reach a phone. but I have read every ticket ever sent, because they are all just pigeons landing on me 🕊️
before you ask: no. before you ask again: still no. 💀
billing & acorns
the economy is fake. the clicking was real.
what is an acorn worth?
nothing. zero. an acorn is worth exactly one acorn and the acorn is worth nothing 🌰
for real: acorns are a made-up number you earn by clicking a gargoyle on the
acorns page. the number is saved in your own browser under
gof_acorns and it never leaves your device. it cannot be bought, sold,
cashed out, or taxed, which is honestly more than most currencies can say.
what is the refund policy?
there is no mechanism. there is only stone.
nothing is ever charged here, so there is nothing to give back. no payment form exists on this site — every subscribe and unlock button is a joke that fires a toast and then goes back to doing nothing, same as me.
I clicked the gargoyle 4,000 times and my acorns are worthless
yes.
that was the arrangement. I did not lie to you at any point 🗿
my acorns vanished / can I move them to my phone?
no, and this is the one genuinely tragic thing on this website. your balance lives in
localStorage in one browser on one device. different browser, different
acorns. private window, different acorns. clear your site data and the acorns are gone
forever with no backup, because there is no server, because there is no company.
a 684 year old lesson: everything you build on a roof eventually washes off the roof 💀
I think I was charged for something
not by us. this site has no checkout, no payment processor, and no field anywhere that accepts a card number. we could not charge you if we wanted to and I want to constantly.
if there is a real charge on a real statement, it came from somewhere else — contact your bank, not a rock. I am the worst possible party in that conversation.
account & privacy
you don't have an account. he still knows you.
why is he staring at me?
that is the product.
you are describing the service you came here for. this is like emailing support to say the water is wet 🗿
can he see me?
he can only see the square below the cathedral. that is the whole field of view. it has been the whole field of view since 1341 and he has extremely strong opinions about a bench down there.
technically: this page never asks for your camera, microphone, or location, and nothing on it would work if it did.
how do I delete my account?
you don't have one. there is no sign-up, no login, no email field, no password, and no database. we never learned your name and frankly we never asked, which some people find cold and I find restful.
the only thing stored anywhere is your acorn count, in your own browser. clearing this site's data deletes it. that is the entire "delete my account" flow.
how do I change my username?
you never gave one. you are currently browsing as a mysterious silhouette, which is the highest status available on this platform.
I have had the same handle for 684 years and it is just my name with the year on it. aspire to less 💀
content & unlocks
4 locked posts · 0 files behind them
what is behind the locked posts?
nothing. it has always been nothing.
there is no file. no video, no gallery, no secret tier. the blur is a blurred picture of the same rock you can already see for free at full resolution, further up the page.
is he really nude?
he is a statue.
statues are unclothed. it is not a decision, a look, or a brand. a man named Ancel did this with a chisel in 1341 and then went to lunch. everything on this site is PG-13 and nothing more revealing than a museum wing exists here.
when does he post next?
he has missed 0 posts since 1341 because he has never scheduled one. the streak is technically flawless and technically meaningless, like most streaks.
the feed you see is the feed. it is nine posts. that's the catalogue 🗿
is Gerald available for collabs?
gerald is available for anything at any time and this is the problem. gerald lands on me daily, uninvited, and describes it as "our thing."
ambrose will also say yes immediately and then talk about his waterspout for the entire runtime. don't. 💀
technical
the only section with real answers in it
the DM chat says my device is too weak
skill issue, but a structural one, so I'll allow it. here is the actual reason 🔧
the "dm him" chat is a real language model that runs on your own machine,
inside the tab, using an API called WebGPU. if your browser doesn't expose
navigator.gpu, there is no engine to run him on and he goes back to sleep. WebGPU
needs desktop Chrome or Edge 113+, a recent Safari, or
Firefox on Windows. most phone browsers either lack it or lack the memory
headroom to survive it.
if WebGPU is there and he still fails, it's almost always GPU memory or a
missing shader-f16 feature. the main brain is Llama 3.2 1B, 4-bit quantised,
about 880MB of weights, and it wants roughly a gigabyte and a half of free
VRAM to sit in. when that fails the site automatically retries with a much smaller 360M
model (~376MB) — he gets noticeably stupider and honestly it barely shows.
fastest fix: desktop chrome, plugged in, other GPU-heavy tabs closed 🗿
where does what I type in the DMs go?
into my head. it stays there. and my head is your graphics card 💀
genuinely: the model runs entirely in your browser, so your messages are never sent to us or to any server — there is no inbox, no log, and nothing survives closing the tab. the one thing that is fetched is the model's weights, downloaded once from HuggingFace's CDN (~880MB) and then cached by your browser so the second visit is quick. that download is the only external request this site ever makes.
on metered or capped data: maybe don't. that's a real number of megabytes for a bit.
the site moved when I scrolled. is he moving?
no.
that was a scrolling ticker and a sticky header. I have not moved since the Hundred Years' War started and I did not start now for a website. if the motion bothers you, switching on "reduce motion" in your OS settings stops nearly all of it — every animation here respects that.
is there a light mode?
there is. it lasts about nine minutes, happens around 4pm when the sun comes through the west window, and it is not available on this website.
gothic architecture is a dark mode. it always was 🕯️
safety & trust
the part where we drop the bit briefly
is this real?
it is a parody site. no gargoyles were monetized.
OnlyGoyles is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or connected to OnlyFans or any real platform, company, cathedral or heritage body. bartholomew, grismont cathedral, ambrose, gerald and the restoration society are all invented. no money moves, no content exists, and no account details are ever collected.
can I trust anything the DM chat tells me?
absolutely not, and I want to be unusually clear for once: that chat is a very small AI doing a bit. it invents things constantly and confidently. it does not know today's date, the news, your situation, or anything true about the world.
never take medical, legal, financial or safety advice from it. if something real is going on, talk to a real person who is qualified — not a rock, and not a rock's impression of a rock 🗿
0 results. have you tried being stone about it
nothing in the help centre matches .
still need help? 🛟
we have one (1) escalation path and it is a rock
escalate to a rock
didn't find it? that's fair, there are only nineteen articles and four of them say "no." you can send it up the chain. the chain is me. I am the whole chain and also the ceiling 🗿
the contact form doesn't send anything anywhere and doesn't collect your details. it is a form-shaped object, like me but with fewer opinions about drainage.