six (6) ways to reach a 684 year old rock, ranked by how badly they work 🗿
he is extremely reachable and completely unresponsive. these are not the same problem and he refuses to see why anyone thinks they are.
📍 he is on the north-west corner. he has been on the north-west corner. that is the whole address 💀
6 options · 1 works · guess which
the acoustics route DIRECTLY to him. this is not a bit. medieval drainage is a closed system and he is at the end of every single pipe in this parish. he hears the whole town. he has never once mentioned it.
works best in rain. do not scream during mass. they've asked. twice.
gerald is our only courier and we are currently NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS. delivery not guaranteed. delivery has never once been guaranteed. gerald says he "delivered it." gerald ate it. we have footage.
gerald bills separately. in crumbs. do not pay him.
discontinued 1607. we do not discuss why. the ravens know what they did. the ravens have never apologised. the ravens are, if anything, smug about it.
service permanently sunset. no migration path was offered.
he WILL see you. he sees everything, it's the whole job. he will not react. this is not rejection. this is his entire physical situation. he thinks about your wave for eleven years afterward.
read receipts permanently on. cannot be disabled. he did not choose this.
the chat on the home page. genuinely the fastest option by roughly four decades. he replies in SECONDS. it's a small AI doing his voice, it runs inside your own browser, and it makes things up with total confidence.
nothing you type there leaves your device. he still knows nothing.
moss has lived on him since 1809 and passes things along eventually. moss is reliable, deeply fond of him, and operates on a schedule that can only be described as geological.
notes must be biodegradable. moss is very serious about this.
no appointment · no possibility of appointment
1341 — present
he is always there. that is the whole thing.
goes nowhere · by design
representation: extremely mineral
LEGAL INQUIRIES: our lawyer is also a rock. he is three metres to Bartholomew's left, he has been retained since 1341, and he has never lost a case because no case has ever been brought. an undefeated record is an undefeated record.
press kit: one (1) photo. it's him. it's the only angle. it has been the only angle since the fourteenth century and it will be the only angle when you and I are both gone 💀
interview requests: approved instantly, conducted in silence, transcript reads “🗿” six hundred times. several outlets have published it. it did numbers.
brand partnerships: he will hold literally anything you hand him, forever, for free. this is not a rate card. this is just what happens if you leave something on a gargoyle.
takedown requests: address them to the Grismont Cathedral Restoration Society, who describe this entire website as “unhelpful” and are nonetheless thrilled about the engagement numbers.