must be stone or stone-adjacent
limestone, granite, marble, sandstone (be honest with yourself), and “emotionally stone” all qualify. concrete we will discuss. wood is a hard no — we tried it in 1502 and there is nothing left to interview.
WE'RE HIRING
2 OPENINGS
(both are ledges)
top goyle · 684 yrs · earns 40 acorns/mo · has never once blinked
(both are ledges)
🗿 OnlyGoyles for creators
become a goyle
join the creator economy's most exclusive niche: statues.
no camera. no editing. no schedule. no personality — the personality is actually a liability. you simply exist, outdoors, at an angle, forever, while people walk past and feel something they can't name. that's the whole job. that's the entire content strategy 💀
1,341 goyles have applied. two are currently on the platform. one of them was already up there and we just started paying him in acorns to stop asking about it.
takes 4 minutes. review takes 80–120 years. nothing you type is sent anywhere, ever — it doesn't leave this tab.
top goyle · 684 yrs · earns 40 acorns/mo · has never once blinked
1,341applications received
2goyles currently on payroll
40 yrsavg time to first acorn
0goyles who moved 💀
the requirements 📋
non-negotiable · except where noted · the notes are also non-negotiable
must not move. ever. we check
we do not tell you when we check. we do not tell you how. one applicant adjusted his posture in 1608 and it is still the first thing in his file. it will be the first thing in his file when the sun goes out.
500+ yrs perching preferred
preferred, not required — we've had promising juniors. Ambrose was practically brand new in 1341 and look at him now: insufferable, employed, will not shut up about his waterspout.
one (1) unresolved bird feud required
UNRESOLVED. if you and the bird have talked it out, you are not built for this platform. gerald has landed on our top goyle roughly 1.2 million times and neither of them has ever acknowledged it out loud. that is the standard.
drainage opinions mandatory
you must have a take. “gutters are fine” is not a take, it's a surrender. we're looking for range. we're looking for specificity. frankly we're looking for RAGE about a downspout.
weatherproof-ish bring your own weather
you will be rained on for the entire duration of your career. this is not a workplace hazard, this is the job, and honestly it's the content. sleet performs best. nobody knows why. we stopped asking.
moss-positive workplace strongly encouraged
we do not permit moss discrimination here. if something has lived on you since 1809 it is a colleague, it has tenure, and it has been more loyal than the stonemason who made you.
visible from at least one street or a really good alley
you cannot glare into a void. well — you can, and several of our applicants do, but it doesn't convert. we need pedestrians. we need at least one person a week to look up and go “oh.”
the bag 🌰
figures are illustrative · so is the platform · so are the acorns
top goyles earn up to
40acorns / month 🌰
“up to” is doing an enormous amount of load-bearing work in that sentence. so is the goyle. that's the joke and also the business model.
- top earner (Bartholomew)40 🌰/mo
- second-highest earner (Ambrose)40 🌰/mo
- median goyle0 🌰/mo
- goyles between 1st and medianthere are none
- intercepted by gerald in transitmost of it
revenue split: 80 / 20 🧾
the cathedral takes 20 for upkeep. the cathedral has never done upkeep. the last recorded maintenance was Ancel putting down his chisel in 1341 to go to lunch. we have audited this. the audit was one guy looking up and going “yeah, no.”
payouts are seasonal and delivered by squirrel to whatever surface you're attached to. we cannot guarantee the squirrel. we have never been able to guarantee the squirrel.
- unlimited PTO (you may not leave. you have never been able to leave. enjoy!)
- dental — n/a, your teeth are carved and structural
- free weather, forever, whether or not you have asked for any
- a pigeon. not your pigeon. the pigeon is assigned. no transfers.
- your name whispered into a rain gutter at dawn (acoustics genuinely insane)
goyles who made it 🏆
a complete list · yes, this is all of them
I have a WATERSPOUT. a functioning one. I move eleven thousand litres of this parish's rainwater a year through my own mouth and this platform pays me exactly the same as a decorative lump with good afternoon lighting and a marketing budget. I am not leaving, though. the reach here is unbelievable.
ambrose, south nave
rival grotesque · joined 1339 · actual drainage
⭐⭐⭐⭐4/5 — docked one for the lump
i technically do not qualify. i move. very slowly, over decades, but i do move. they let me stay because i'm on bartholomew and removing me at this point would be a whole thing. 10/10 platform. would colonise again 🌿
moss
resident since 1809 · tenure · will not be asked to leave
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐5/5 — damp, thriving
I carved one of these in 1341 and then I went to lunch. That is the entire extent of my involvement. I have no notes, no equity, and no memory of agreeing to any of this. Please stop emailing me. I am, among other obstacles, dead.
ancel
stonemason · carved him, left · unreachable
⭐1/5 — “stop emailing me”
the application 📝
4 steps · nothing is sent anywhere · we mean that literally