Move Slow and Fix Nothing
we shipped once, in 1341, and it worked. the crack over the left wing has been there since 1602 and honestly it adds character. if it isn't falling, it's a feature.
NOW HIRING
💀 NO DESKS
7 open roles · 0 of them have chairs
CAREERS
come stand near a rock forever
we're a small team (one guy, he is masonry) building the future of not moving. if you thrive in ambiguity, weather, and being screamed at by a bird — bestie, apply.
about the company 🏛️
founded 1341 · still pre-seed · still pre-everything
OnlyGoyles is the fastest-growing platform in the stationary creator space 🗿 (we are also the only platform in the stationary creator space. these two facts are related. we do not take questions.)
our mission: to connect one (1) 684-year-old cathedral gargoyle with an audience that keeps walking past him at ground level. that's it. that's the whole deal. every quarter someone asks if we want to expand into moving creators and every quarter we look at them until they leave 💀
we are remote-hostile. we are on-site to a degree that has alarmed several heritage bodies. the office is a ledge. the ledge is the office. there is no hybrid policy because there is no other place to be.
culture-wise: we've had zero all-hands since 1341 (nobody can get up there), zero re-orgs (there is no org), and one (1) ongoing interpersonal conflict that has been running for two centuries and is load-bearing to team morale. his name is Gerald. he is a pigeon. you will meet him.
🌱 stage: pre-seed · burn rate: 0 (we have no money and also no expenses) · runway: geological
1creator (he is enough)
684years of uptime 🔥
0pivots since 1341
0desks · 1 ledge
our values 📜
carved, not written · unamendable
Be Load-Bearing
everyone here holds something up. if you were removed and nothing sagged, we'd have some questions about what you were doing. hold the thing. be the reason the thing is still there.
Radical Stillness
fidgeting is a form of communication and we do not use it. the strongest opinion in the building is expressed by a man who has not blinked since the Hundred Years' War.
Weather the Feedback
literally. feedback arrives here as sleet. it comes sideways, it comes at 3am, and it does not care about your quarter. take it on the face like a professional.
Default to Glaring
escalate visually. if a problem persists, look at it. if it still persists, keep looking at it for four hundred years. our resolution rate is genuinely insane and we've never once had a meeting.
Drainage Is Everyone's Job
water goes somewhere. it is going somewhere right now. you either decided where, or someone else did, or in 200 years the wall comes down. no third option. this is our whole thing.
open roles 💼
7 open · 0 filled · 1 haunted
Chief Perch Officer
Executive · Perching
own the perch. set perch strategy. be the perch strategy. you'll report directly to gravity and have one direct report (the moss, since 1809, does not attend 1:1s).
note: this role is currently held by BARTHOLOMEW and he has indicated he is not vacating it, ever, under any circumstance, including structural collapse. we're posting it anyway for succession planning reasons. he saw the posting. he was normal about it 💀
you'll bring:
- 10+ years of perching experience (600+ strongly preferred)
- demonstrated ability to overlook an entire town without commenting on it
- comfort with heights, wind shear, and being described as "decorative" by rivals
- a jawline. carved preferred. mewing considered.
applications reviewed by the incumbent. the incumbent is the hiring manager. good luck.
Pigeon Relations Manager
Stakeholder Management · Aviary
own the relationship with our primary external stakeholder. main stakeholder: Gerald. Gerald is hostile. Gerald has landed on the CPO 47 times today and describes this as “their thing.” the CPO does not describe it that way.
you'll de-escalate daily, align on shared goals (there are none), and manage a two-hundred-year conflict that both parties are, on some level, enjoying. we've stopped trying to fix it. your job is to make it fit in a spreadsheet.
you'll bring:
- experience managing an unreasonable stakeholder who cannot read, sign, or be reasoned with
- ability to say "gerald please" in a tone that lands
- strong written comms (Gerald will not read them, but leadership likes the paper trail)
- bird-adjacent trauma is not disqualifying and is honestly kind of the profile
3 previous holders. all 3 are now on gerald's side. we don't talk about it.
Junior Grotesque
Internship · Facade
a foot-in-the-door opportunity for an early-career stone. you'll shadow the CPO (you will be positioned 4 metres to his left, in his actual shadow, for four centuries) and gain hands-on exposure to the full grotesque lifecycle: carving, weathering, being pointed at by a school group.
we know 400 years unpaid is a lot. so did Ancel. he said he'd sort out the contract after lunch 🗿
you'll bring:
- a can-do attitude and no ability to do anything
- willingness to learn (passively, over centuries, from erosion)
- own equipment: you must supply your own limestone
- graduating 2427 or later preferred
start as a creator instead 🗿
honestly? skip the internship. go be a creator. we're telling you this as friends.
Drainage Consultant
Water Solutions · Core Infra
the single most important job here and the one nobody has ever asked us about. water lands on this building constantly and every drop is a decision someone made in 1341. you'll audit those decisions.
be advised: Ambrose (south nave, has an actual waterspout, will bring it up) considers this function his. he is not your manager. he will speak to you as though he is your manager. he is a downspout with a personality.
you'll bring:
- working knowledge of gutters, gullies, weepholes and the concept of "away"
- ability to explain a fall of 1:60 to people who did not ask
- strong opinions on lime mortar (2019 repointing: conservation work, NOT a glow-up)
- tolerance for being told a real gargoyle has a waterspout, daily, forever
the CPO is deeply qualified for this role and has applied. we said no. he asked why. we said "you're the CEO." he did not accept this.
Moss Sommelier
Hospitality · Biome
curate and describe the moss. the north face carries an exceptional 1809 vintage (resident, contented, has never been asked to leave and would not go) plus several younger growths of frankly middling character on the shaded gutter run.
tasting notes go in the weekly. previous notes include "wet," "extremely wet," and "green in a way that feels personal." we're hoping you can raise the bar 🌿
you'll bring:
- a refined palate for bryophytes and the confidence to bluff about the rest
- ability to distinguish moss from lichen without being condescending about it
- respect: the moss is a resident, not an amenity. it has seniority over you by ~200 years.
- do NOT power-wash. the last person who suggested this is not discussed.
the moss gets a veto in the final round. the moss has used it. twice.
Night Screamer
Acoustics · Atmosphere
provide ambient dread. two hours, twice a week, from the bell stage. the acoustics up here are GENUINELY INSANE and have been criminally underused since the reformation.
PG-13 screaming only. we are a family-friendly haunting. no slurs, no personal targets, nothing that would upset a child or a heritage inspector. think "distant, unexplained, tasteful."
you'll bring:
- range. we need a wail, a moan, and one (1) genuinely upsetting sigh.
- reliability — the 2am slot is the whole product, do not oversleep
- the ability to stop instantly if anyone looks directly at the building
- no visible source. ever. that's the bit. if they find you, it's just a person yelling.
the CPO auditioned. he is made of rock and produced no sound. he considers this a strong silent showing.
Social Media Manager
Growth · Brand · Coping
own the account. 1,347 followers, 4.2M likes on a single post that is just the moai emoji, and a creator who refuses to explain, apologise, or post a second time about anything.
core responsibility: explain the algorithm to a rock. he will ask why the moai post did numbers and the drainage carousel did not. you will explain it. he will say “but the drainage one was better” and he will be correct and you will explain it again. this happens weekly. this is the job 💀
you'll bring:
- 2+ yrs growth experience, ideally with a client who cannot be photographed from a second angle
- patience for the sentence "so I should post MORE drainage" (he should not)
- content strategy for an account with one asset, one pose, and one facial expression
- you must be normal about the fact that he is objectively better at this than you
last three managers quit. one of them just walked into the fog. we respect it.
how we hire 🪨
5 stages · roughly 40 years · we respect your time
- apply you press the button. the button does nothing. this is stage one and most candidates do not realise they have already completed it.
- the screen you stand on the cobbles outside and we look at you from above for a while. you will not be told when this is happening. it may have already happened.
- technical assessment hold a pose for 40 minutes. we are looking for stillness, load distribution, and whether you check your phone (immediate no).
- values interview conducted by Gerald. Gerald is hostile. Gerald will land on you. do not react. reacting is the assessment. everything else is vibes.
- offer chiselled into the north face by a stonemason. non-negotiable, because the mason went to lunch immediately after and we cannot amend it. congratulations 🔥
perks & benefits 🌰
competitive* (*not compared to anything)
unlimited PTOyou cannot leave. take as much as you like. the days will pass either way and you will be here for them.
401(k), matched in acornswe match 100% up to 3 acorns. gerald intercepts roughly 100% of the match. net result pending review since 1804.
dental: nono. not "limited," not "opt-in." no. several of us have visible fangs and we're all just living with it.
free lunchcatered once, in 1341, by Ancel. he took it with him. the benefit remains technically active and unclaimed.
standing desk (unlimited)every desk is a standing desk. every desk is also a ledge. ergonomics assessment: "you'll be fine, probably."
comprehensive weatherfull exposure to all four seasons at all times, at no cost to you. the sleet is included. the sleet is very included.
annual team offsitethere is no off. there is no site. we mark the day by facing slightly more east.
health cover: masonry onlycracks, chips and spalling covered. anything soft-tissue is considered a lifestyle choice.
parental leaven/a — you were carved, not born. bereavement leave for your stonemason: also no, he simply went to lunch.
learning & development400 years of watching people walk past and slowly working out what they're like. no budget required. no budget exists.
OnlyGoyles is an equal opportunity employer 🗿 we do not discriminate on the basis of material, era, weathering, moss coverage, waterspout status (looking at you, Ambrose), or species — including pigeon, though we'd note that our one pigeon applicant has been openly hostile in every interaction since 1804 and continues to be considered on merit. accommodations available on request; the request must be shouted upward, and there is a 40-year turnaround.